The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
