Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you never un-have a 4some
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
