i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
