Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I love you.
Bad choice
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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