My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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