i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
