I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
