I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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