So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
