I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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