You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
