I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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