my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
