I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
