how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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