he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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