Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I AM VODKA MAN
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
