so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
