Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's official drugs can't kill me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I touched a dick in church today
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
