I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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