So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
