Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
