I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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