Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
