there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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