Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
