i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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