I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His hands were made for my vagina.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
