i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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