Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
