Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
