I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
