I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
