Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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