real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
