cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
