I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
