I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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