It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
