Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
