No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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