Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
