I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
