Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
