So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
