You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
