If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
