Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Randomize
