I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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