if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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