in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
