I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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