Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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